


New beginnings

by MilesLibertatis



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Healing, M/M, PTSD, Smut, brief but graphic rape flashback, caring and concerned Shorter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:15:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22832392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilesLibertatis/pseuds/MilesLibertatis
Summary: He felt a hand on his cheek. A thumb wiped away the tears that were still falling. Shorter’s rumbling voice was soothing as he asked, “What can I do to help?”Yut Lung thought. He thought of how the things that happened so long ago were still keeping him from living life the wayhewanted to. He thought of how he craved to hold Shorter closer than ever, yet simultaneously feared intimacy.But then he decided. He had lived his whole life in fear. He had executed his revenge, all his enemies were gone. He lived in a small but cosy apartment with someone who loved him for who he was. There was no longer anything to be afraid of. He would no longer allow fear to overpower him. So he took a deep breath, and took the leap.“Fuck me.”
Relationships: Lee Yut-Lung/Shorter Wong
Comments: 3
Kudos: 82





	New beginnings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrunkYeet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkYeet/gifts).



> Please mind the tags!!!
> 
> AT LONG LAST. This is my super late secret santa fic for Soda! I'm so so sorry it's late, this fic got super out of hand, almost double the length of my other fics, and of course I had to make things difficult by picking hard subjects. Nevertheless, I really hope you'll enjoy this fic! <3 I love you, my child. 
> 
> I miss you, bitch.

There were three things Yut Lung noticed as he slowly drifted back into consciousness: a heavy weight on his side, Shorter’s scent surrounding him and how soft and clean the sheets felt against his skin.

He breathed in slowly, basking in the cocoon of warmth and safety, before finally letting his eyes flutter open. He was met with the sight of Shorter, still sleeping soundly next to him, flat on his stomach and his arm flung over Yut Lung’s waist. His face was smushed unattractively into the pillow. He smiled and let himself stare and take in every detail, from his messed up mohawk to his sharp cheekbones, to the mole on his jaw he loved kissing, to his piercing adorning his eyebrow and his closed eyes. The sunglasses Shorter usually wore were on the nightstand, untouched for days as he hadn’t needed to go out. No matter how many times Yut Lung woke up next to him, he’d never tire of this sight.

He shifted a little to find a more comfortable position and felt Shorter’s arm on his waist follow his movements. His hand dropped down to absentmindedly brush his fingertips up and down the strong arm caging him in. He had slept in many beds in many different stages of luxury, but there wasn’t anywhere else he’d rather wake up. Although it was just a cheap mattress they had bought on a disastrous trip to IKEA, there was nowhere he had felt as safe and content as he did on theirs. Here, it was just the two of them. Every night he got to fall asleep in Shorter’s arms - granted he didn’t have to work at the restaurant. But even if he did, he still woke up to Shorter pressed close anyway.

In the past, Yut Lung used to dread waking up again in the morning, but now he found it was one of his favourite parts of the day. He could sleep in as long as he wanted, and if Shorter was feeling generous, he’d make him breakfast in bed. Sometimes, when it was getting late, Shorter would wake him up by pressing kisses all over his forehead, cheek, jaw, neck, back, shoulders, arms, hands - anywhere he could reach. Yut Lung shifted again at the memories. Now that he thought about it, even when Shorter had woken him up like that, it had always been respectful and tender. Not once had his hands or lips strayed to places they did not have permission to. 

Despite the early morning summer sun casting her warmth onto his skin, Yut Lung felt an icy wave crash over him. He had lost count of the times he had woken up sticky and sweaty, covered in dried semen, spit and other fluids he dared not think about; unwanted hands roaming his body, fingers, tongues, cocks and whatever else shoving into him, until his porcelain, doll-like facade finally cracked and shattered and his tears flowed freely. He had lost count of how many times he had tried to scrub himself clean, trying to claw off the dried crusts on his skin that were no longer there, even though he was _convinced_ he could still feel the grime and seed clinging to him. How many times he’d—

“A-Lung?”

Yut Lung was shaken from the memory by Shorter’s rough voice. His eyes focused on the present again and he found Shorter watching him with bleary, but concerned eyes. 

To hide his inner turmoil, Yut Lung curled his lips in a teasing smirk. “You woke up. Looks like my poison didn’t work.”

Shorter rolled his eyes. “Good morning to you too.” He moved to lie on his side and lightly tugged on his arm which was still slung over Yut Lung’s waist. Yut Lung glanced down and his eyes widened when they fell on the red marks his nails were digging into Shorter’s skin. As if the touch burnt his skin, he let go.

When he looked up again, Shorter was watching him, frowning. “You okay?” 

Yut Lung shrugged and picked up a long strand of hair that had fallen out of the braid he had made the night before, letting it slide through his fingers. “I’m fine,” he said. As much as he knew Shorter worried about him and genuinely wanted to help, he'd rather drink brugmansia tea and relive all his worst nightmares and succumb to them, than show any weakness.

He felt Shorter’s eyes burn into him. It was clear he wasn’t buying any of it. For a moment he was certain Shorter was going to pry, and he suppressed a relieved sigh when Shorter dropped it. His partner murmured a _"C'mere,"_ and pulled him against his chest. 

Yut Lung inhaled Shorter’s scent and snuggled a little closer. It was truly amazing how Shorter always managed to make him feel at ease. The tension flowed out of his body and he listened to Shorter breathing above him and his heartbeat thumping softly in his chest. He was content to slumber some more when Shorter’s voice rumbled next to his ear.

"I hate that you never tell me," Shorter murmured. Yut Lung stiffened and cursed Shorter’s inability to shut up. "I wanna help, you know? It hurts to see you relive all that shit. So if you wanna talk or anything, I'm here for you."

He swallowed. "It's not that simple. It's not something that can be cured by talking about it."

"Have you tried?"

Yut Lung was quiet. 

"That's what I thought. You never talk. You keep it all deep down. It eats away at you. It might be good to let it out for once."

Yut Lung sighed. "Fine.” Shorter was not gonna back down so he might as well try. And he couldn’t deny the spark of hope deep in his heart. “You know how I always demand fresh and clean sheets? It's because I used to wake up in filthy luxury. Sticky silk and satin, soiled with semen and saliva. The water bills you complain about are so high because I can still feel it sticking to my skin even though I know I can't scrub myself any cleaner. Even when I'm wearing clothes, I can feel them touching me." 

He had started out haughtily, almost like he wanted to brag about how tormented he was, but as he voiced his deepest, darkest demons they started to suffocate him, tightening his throat until his voice broke and tears started flowing down his cheeks. "They never saw me as a human. I was a china doll they could undress and play with. They didn’t see I had long shattered, cracks hidden under paint and glaze." 

As the words spilled over his lips, he watched the gentle concern on Shorter’s face make way for something darker. His eyebrows knit together and his jaw clenched in anger and disgust. The rational voice in his head told him that Shorter loved him and that he could never be disgusted with _him_ , but a louder voice reminded him that he didn’t deserve compassion and understanding. As he finished, the tension slowly flowed out of Shorter and he combed his fingers through Yut Lung’s hair. His eyes softened and that concern from earlier seemed to have returned tenfold.

Yut Lung huffed. “What are _you_ sad for?”

“They had no right to touch you like that.”

“You’re right, they didn’t. That’s why they paid for it with their lives.”

Yut Lung exhaled shakily and remained quiet for a moment, staring unseeing at his fingers drawing circles on Shorter's chest. “I should be relieved. I foolishly thought that once I had killed them all, everything would be over. But it’s not. I can still see them, hear them, _feel_ them on me. I'm so tired, Shorter. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way.”

He felt a hand on his cheek. A thumb wiped away the tears that were still falling. Shorter’s rumbling voice was soothing as he asked, “What can I do to help?”

Yut Lung thought. He thought of how the things that happened so long ago were still keeping him from living life the way _he_ wanted to. He thought of how he craved to hold Shorter closer than ever, yet simultaneously feared intimacy. 

But then he decided. He had lived his whole life in fear. He had executed his revenge, all his enemies were gone. He lived in a small but cosy apartment with someone who loved him for who he was. There was no longer anything to be afraid of. He would no longer allow fear to overpower him. So he took a deep breath, and took the leap.

“Fuck me.”

He heard Shorter inhale sharply in surprise, and looked up. If he weren’t so tense, he’d laugh at the confusion written all over Shorter’s face. 

“Are you sure?”

Yut Lung nodded. He was sure. “I want those hands I feel to be _yours_.” 

Shorter leaned down and kissed him long and deep. He kicked the blankets away and with a swift movement was on top of Yut Lung. Yut Lung reached up and tangled his fingers in Shorter’s half shaven hair. Shorter slid his hands under Yut Lung’s shirt (one of Shorter’s old ones) and started trailing kisses down his jaw and neck. Yut Lung whimpered at the touch. “More,” he whispered. Shorter pushed up the hem of his shirt and moved down to trail kisses over his chest. Yut Lung arched his back into the touch, his grip on Shorter’s hair tightening. When Shorter arrived at Yut Lung’s boxers, he paused and looked up. 

“Are you sure you want this?”

Yut Lung thought of all the men that had asked him that question too. 

There were none. 

He thought of the nightmares plaguing him, nagging at him every waking moment. For once, he could decide for himself whether he wanted to have sex. He pushed down his doubts and nodded. “I am. I want you to fuck me.” 

Shorter’s adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. He visibly restrained himself from following Yut Lung’s order as quickly as he could. “If at any point you want me to stop, tell m-”

“Are you going to fuck me or not?” Yut Lung interrupted him. “I’ve made up my mind and I’m not going to back down.”

Shorter eyed him for a moment but then laughed softly and shook his head. “You’re a feisty one. I’m serious, though. If anything’s wrong, tell me to stop.” 

Yut Lung rolled his eyes but deep down he was grateful. He was resolved to do this, but had learned early on that memories were not to be trusted and could unexpectedly ruin any moment. He was snapped out of his thoughts by Shorter hooking a finger under the elastic of his boxers. Shorter was still watching him with inquisitive eyes. Yut Lung nodded and that was all Shorter needed to pull them down. 

Yut Lung inhaled sharply at the cold air hitting his erection. He closed his eyes and waited for Shorter to… He didn’t know what he would do. But when it didn’t come, he opened his eyes again and found Shorter just watching him. He felt the anxiety threaten to choke him again, so he snapped, “Don’t stare.” Then, quietly, “please.”

Shorter tore his gaze away and lowered himself back onto the mattress, moving up to kiss him. “I’m sorry,” he apologised.

Yut Lung wanted to retort but the words were stolen from his lips when he felt Shorter finally - _finally_ \- touch his member. Not only was this the first time in years he had been touched there, not counting the rare times he had done so himself, but this was the first time someone touched him with consent. He felt his throat close up and tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. “Shorter,” he whispered. 

Shorter leaned down and kissed the tears that were rolling down his cheeks as he slowly, languidly stroked Yut Lung. “I’m here, baby,” he murmured. 

Yut Lung reached up and wrapped his arms tightly around Shorter’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder as wave after wave of pleasure washed over him. “Shorter,” he called again, trying to find the courage to speak his mind. Years ago he had had no problem begging like a slut, but now that it was no longer an act but _real_ , he found the words catching in his throat. 

Shorter seemed to sense Yut Lung was trying to say something and paused. “What is it? Want me to stop?”

“No,” Yut Lung interjected. Now that he wasn’t overwhelmed with sensations, it was easier to think. “I want- I want more.” 

“You got it. Whatever you want.”

Shorter reached over to his bedside table retrieved a bottle of lube and placed a condom on the surface. 

Yut Lung frowned. “You keep condoms in there?”

Shorter shrugged. “I wanted to have some ready in case you ever wanted to go there. I’m glad I did.” He drizzled some lube onto his fingers and warmed it with his hands before reaching down and gently pressing against the tight ring of muscle. 

Yut Lung’s breath hitched. The touch was oh so familiar, yet foreign. He pulled up his knees a bit and focused on his breathing as Shorter circled his hole. 

Shorter leaned down and pressed soft kisses against his cheek. “It’s all right,” he murmured. “Just look at me. You’re safe.” 

Yut Lung reached up and held onto Shorter’s shoulder. He nodded and gasped when he felt a finger slowly push inside. It paused for a moment to let Yut Lung get used to the feeling again, and then started sliding in and out. Each time a bad thought threatened to well up, Yut Lung squeezed Shorter’s shoulder, grounding himself and making him remember this was _Shorter_. “Another one,” he demanded. Shorter complied and added a second, and soon a third. It left Yut Lung panting, no longer used to the burn after years of celibacy. But then Shorter’s fingers brushed against his prostate and it ripped a cry from his throat. The fingers stilled and when Yut Lung looked up at Shorter after catching his breath, he found him staring at him in awe. Something fluttered in his chest, oddly proud that he was the subject of Shorter’s adoration. In the past men and women alike had made him cry and whimper for different reasons, but none of them had felt as pure and genuine as Shorter’s. He wanted to voice his feelings but his sharp tongue wasn’t suited for gentle words.

“What are you staring at?” he questioned, although there was no venom in his words. 

“You,” Shorter replied with a grin. Yut Lung rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress a smile when he felt Shorter kiss the corner of his lips. He took a deep breath and wiggled his hips, wanting Shorter to get back to it. Fortunately his partner had his smart moments and got the hint. He started fingering him again, occasionally brushing against that spot that made him see stars, until Yut Lung decided he'd had enough. 

Yut Lung watched as Shorter rolled on a condom, his heart beating loudly in his throat, anticipation and agitation buzzing under his skin. He wanted this but he couldn't help feeling anxious. 

Shorter lowered himself onto his elbows, hovering over Yut Lung. He brushed a strand of hair out of his face and let his finger brush over his cheek. "You sure about this?" He asked again.

This was the beginning of reclaiming his body, his desires and his life. Yut Lung reached up and placed his hands on Shorter's chest. "Yeah," he replied. "Just- give me a moment."

Shorter nodded and Yut Lung closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, still with every thought before letting them go until his head was quiet and empty of doubts. There was nothing left but want. He nodded.

Yut Lung inhaled when he felt the familiar pressure against the barrier of muscle and curled his hands into fists, breath hitching in his throat when it gave way and he felt Shorter slowly slide inside him. 

When he opened his eyes and looked up, he found Shorter staring at him again, pupils blown wide, but still watching him with concern. Waiting for Yut Lung to make sure he was all right. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with feelings he could not begin to understand, but mostly gratitude and bashfulness, and he turned his head, attempting to hide from Shorter's gaze. He no longer had his mask to hide behind; Shorter had taken it. And even if he hadn't, he would see right through him anyway. 

Shorter leaned down and kissed his cheek. "It's okay, we'll take it slow," he murmured, brushing his lips against his temple. 

Yut Lung cradled Shorter's face in his hands and kissed him. He rested his forehead against his. "Move," he whispered. 

Shorter slowly started sliding in and out, going deeper with every thrust and Yut Lung wrapped his legs around Shorter's waist. They settled into a slow rhythm, back and forth, in and out, like waves lazily crashing onto the surf. Moans spilled from his lips and tears from his eyes, which Shorter tenderly kissed away. This feeling that used to be intrusive, humiliating, filled him with warmth and something akin to… love?

Yut Lung cried out when Shorter brushed against his prostate again, his nails digging into Shorter’s back. He felt pressure building, from his toes climbing all the way up to his throat, making it hard to breathe. He gasped Shorter's name. 

His reply was a grunt and a whispered "I'm here", and that affirmation of love and reminder of safety was the final drop that made him tip over and spill. Through the haze he babbled Shorter's name over and over until he felt his boyfriend seize up and go slack as well.

Shorter collapsed onto Yut Lung. They took a few moments to catch their breath. When Yut Lung had slowly come back down again, he started trailing his fingers up and down Shorter's sweaty back. 

Shorter looked up at him, the corner of his lips threatening to pull up into a grin he tried to suppress. "You okay?" 

Even after this, instead of his own pleasure, Yut Lung was still his first priority. Although he was not sure he deserved it, he was immensely grateful. He had half the heart to be snarky, but he didn't want to ruin the atmosphere again. So he swallowed his remarks and smiled. 

"Yeah, I am. …Thank you.” 

Shorter exhaled in relief. He pushed himself up and kissed Yut Lung, long and slow. When he pulled back he rested his forehead against Yut Lung's. "I'm glad," he murmured.

Yut Lung hummed and nuzzled Shorter’s nose. A strange kind of calmth washed over him. The agitation that usually thrummed under his skin at all times wasn’t there. He knew it wouldn’t last and it would soon return, but for now he let himself enjoy this rare moment of true peace. His gaze travelled down to Shorter's back and his eyes widened. 

_“You’re bleeding.”_

"I'm what now?" Shorter leaned on his elbow and twisted up to look, and raised an eyebrow. Sure enough, his skin was littered with red scratch marks, some of which had blood welling up. He looked back at his boyfriend and grinned. "Would you look at that. I knew you wanted me dead, but I didn't think you'd go this far." He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

Yut Lung rolled his eyes. "Shut up and come take a bath with me. Maybe if you're nice I'll take care of those scratches for you afterwards."

"Yes, your majesty." Shorter scooped him up and carried him to their bathroom. He set him down on the toilet seat as he got the hot water running. As Yut Lung watched as Shorter poured in a generous amount of soap, an odd and giddy warmth bloomed in his chest. There was something so mundane and domestic about it. He had never dared dream he would experience happiness like this, convinced that he wouldn’t live to see the day, and if he did, his sins wouldn’t ever be forgiven. But here he was, and Shorter was with him. If he were religious, he might think that it was his mother’s blessing, watching over him high up in the heavens.

"What are you smiling at?” Shorter asked grinning, perched on the edge of the bathtub and arms crossed.

Yut Lung smirked. “Oh, nothing. Just thinking how I still have a lot to teach you about good sex.”

Shorter huffed and puffed his chest. ”Now that’s just plain rude.”

Yut Lung laughed. “The tub is about to overflow, Mr Hotshot.”

“Fuck!” Shorter dove to turn off the faucets, almost slipping on the tiles. He shot his boyfriend a look over his shoulder. “This is all your fault.”

“Excuse me? It’s not my fault you weren’t paying attention.”

“How can I when you’re sitting here, looking all pretty?” Shorter winked and snaked his arms around Yut Lung’s waist and under his legs to carry him into the bathtub.

Yut Lung sputtered and buried his face in Shorter’s neck. “Shut up, you big brute.” Shorter’s laugh rumbled in his chest and Yut Lung couldn’t suppress a smile. He sighed when he was carefully lowered into the water, the heat immediately seeping into him and soothing his aching body. Shorter settled behind him, and Yut Lung leaned back against his chest. As he felt his boyfriend gently clean him up, hope welled up in his chest. Maybe, just maybe, things would be all right after all.

  
  



End file.
